As a Cycle Breaker, we often redirect our brain to block out memories or people that trigger us to feel or remember traumatic moments. It’s a way our brain protects itself and be a helpful tool. But there are days that triggers will arise and possibly at random or triggered by something.

Today my trigger was a Facebook memory of a photo I posted 14 years ago. No caption. Just a photo of the beach and a long shipping boat. The photo is sort of blurry considering technology was not advanced like it is today. At first, I looked at the photo and felt confused. The photo is actually very beautiful and for a moment I thought maybe I shared it.

When I realized that I took the photo, it made my brain go down memory lane.

Memory lane took me down a rabbit hole and I remembered exactly where the image was taken at. It was Port Huron Beach in Michigan. The place my mother, grandfather, and I would go to. It was one thing I actually looked forward to.

No arguing, just laughs. My mom was her best self in this moment thanks to her boyfriend never coming with us. She was happy and capable. She would grill for us, stop at the gas station for endless snacks. I had the option to bring a friend and the few times I did we would have a blast. My mom paid for my friend and I to take paddle board lessons and it because a huge interest of mine.

Moments like this are triggering for me because although these are great, happy memories….

They’re also reminders of who my mom and grandpa could have been. Both were alcoholics and drug users. Both inevitably relied on other people to make them happy or help with survival. Both left my life the same year, 2017.

I will always mourn the people that they once were and who they could have been. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or maybe it’s the only way I can move on.