A fresh month, a fresh start, September.

As someone who has a long history of mental health struggles due to growing up in toxic environments, suicide prevention is extremely important to me. Majority of my depression as a child was directly related to the verbal abuse I endured from my mother. She endured a lot of trauma herself as well and decided not to get treatment in any way, shape, or form. Even with a potential bipolar diagnosis, she didn’t ever feel therapy or psych care was necessary.

There were many times in my childhood where any alternative felt better than surviving another day in my childhood home. The lack of love really just made me feel so alone and unwanted. That’s something I probably could have survived, but adding verbal and physical abuse to it…. just made it insufferable.

I honestly can say I don’t know a lot of details about my mom like who she is or why she is the way she is. The only details she ever shared of a glimpse were when she would be extremely drunk and combative with me. She’d come into my room in the middle of the night and fight with me because they’d blare music so loud that I couldn’t sleep. Usually she’d come into my room to argue about how “good” I have it compared to her childhood and randomly share horrific details in an angry way to me as if it was my fault.

My first serious “depressive episode” was when my mom was just telling me consistently that she was disappointed in me. She’d fat shame me, bully me, etc. One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and did something stupid for attention. A cry for help you could say.

Instead of help, it made me look like the problem and put me in a very uncomfortable place. Things did not get better but I got better at just dealing with it. It gave me tough skin and a HUGEE wall of trust issues.

When the people that are supposed to be take care of you become the ones that hurt you the most, it’s hard to believe that you could ever be loved properly in the future or by anyone in general. You don’t feel worthy or you believe good things are too good to be true.

Every severely depressive episode I’ve ever experienced was related to my mother and one time my father. Adult me feels so sad for younger me. I’m proud that I’ve turned into someone who speaks up for herself, protects those around me, and did not let my trauma make me a bad person.

This September, I hope that if you’re feeling any bad feelings about what you’ve been through, who your trauma has made you be, or how lonely it is without parents who care for you…

I want you to know that just because you were born into chaos, it does not mean that you have to inherit it. You get to define your adulthood and who or what you allow into it. YOU MATTER. Don’t give up on your life before you’ve even had the chance to create one. It’s so easy to say and nothing anyone says can stop those horrible feelings and thoughts, but I hope knowing you’re not alone can help ease the pain even in a small way.